A dumping should never come out of the blue. Let FHM save you the pain with this handy guide to the warning signs...

APPEARANCE
Before, her version of a radical image change was going to the hairdresser and having her ends trimmed. Now she heads off to the salon looking like Hillary Duff and comes back looking like Halle Berry in the X-Men flicks. She’s changed her entire image, she’s bought a new wardrobe, she’s putting on enough make-up to plaster a townhouse complex and she’s wearing perfume strong enough to kill a swarm of tsetse ...

From the gentle urgings of creative foreplay to the dirty stages where your get the paddles out, here’s a fat whack of killer, FHM-style sex advice...

Head massage
Ladies love the touchy-feely stuff. Ensure your hands are warmed up and dry and, with your woman sitting com­fortably and you standing behind her, place your hands on either side of her head with your palms resting on her temples. Rest your fingertips on her forehead between her eyebrows and above the nose, before moving your palm to the centre of the forehead, press­ing down lightly and using the ...

Sex. It’s a matter that, for almost all of us, is top of mind all of the time. Whether we’re not getting it, not getting enough or not happy with what we’re getting, dudes are constantly trying to improve the qua­lity and quantity of the lovin’ in their lives. FHM understands this plight, and we felt we needed guidance from a bona fide guru. Enter Houston, Texas’ Dr John Demartini – motivational speaker, self-help wizard, expert on matters of the mind and author of bestselling books like The Heart of Love: How to Go Beyond Fantasy to ...

Being tied up, unlike James Bond, it’s a bit much to expect your watch to convenient­ly turn itself into a cir­cular saw or a laser gun, so it’s likely you’ll stay that way. Then again, you might learn to like it. A fetish for fetters can add hours of fun and not a little mystery to your boudoir repertoire – but it requires some practice, lest you or your lady friend end up more tightly tied than a pakkie van die poskantoor, and as hard to undo without sustaining a hernia or a pinched nerve. Which ...

Bored with safe, pleasant bedroom normality? Fancy setting sail for new pleasures and exotic rituals? Then climb aboard: FHM has the map, although you’ll need an open-minded, ideally female shipmate...

In the old days, being an explorer was tough. If you didn’t drown or get marooned on an iceberg by your mutinous crew, chances were you’d be eaten by cannibals. And these days, it’s even worse. Book a holiday off the beaten track, and you’re asking to get kidnapped by the Mujahideen, ripped off by street vendors or bummed to death by an Aussie truck ...

Unfortunately, life’s filthiest fantasies can turn into the bedroom’s biggest embarrassments. Not any more…

For some reason, we file all things sexual away in the section of our brains labelled “incredible”, without making any of the standard “reality” judgements we do for other life experiences. That’s what makes us buy into the erotic illusions of films – dribbled cream in Bitter Moon, buttery anal sex in Last Tango In Paris, Princess Leia’s erotic slavegirl outfit in Return Of The Jedi – and later clumsily copy an actor delivering a strawberry caress, waiting for our babe to erupt in ...

There’s no mysterious ‘Professor Of The Sexual Arts’ in your beloved Harry Potter books, but if there was, he’d spend entire terms on this – the pre-shag skills that’ll have her dripping like oil from a Liberian tanker. Our lady writer tells all...

1 Masturbation of the brain
Women get mental stiffies all the time – we are just so skilled in the art of subtlety that you guys never even notice. In her recent book, The Clitoral Truth, author Rebecca Chalker points out the laughable “fact” that “men’s sexual fantasies are thought to be more active and ...

We’ve been trying for ages to help our fellow men reach the same exceptional standard of lovemaking as FHM – tender, passionate and, whenever possible, involving a woman. But it dawned on us that maybe we’re barking up the wrong tree – could it be her that’s not up to scratch? So we devised this six-step programme, which adopts a rounded view of the big issues. If you just want new positions, go and read your lady’s girly-mag. This is about the very bedrock of your sexual relationship – so keep these surreptitious tips somewhere handy and refer to ...

Man’s preoccupation with funbags grows from the pre-Purity phase until he’s gazing gleefully at a pair of three-day old party balloons from the confines of his walking frame. Presenting the FHM Boob Special...

Throughout his adult life, man will experience this mammary-over-mind torment, time and time again. The double-barrelled shotguns firing this torment are everywhere. On kid’s television hosts, in comic books (all hail Wonder Woman!), on the sides of minibus taxis, on those elegantly sculpted new-age mannequins, on women doing their make-up in traffic, and even on the odd Banyana Banyana player. There’s enough cleavage ...

FHM’s strategy guide on how to get laid and stay single! Take these hot tips with you into the jungle of love and come out satisfied... and unattached!

A single man requires only the three Bs of bachelorhood: biltong, beer and blowies. In the quest for the latter he often finds himself in bars, hunting potential mates. With any luck he’ll suf­ficiently charm one of the dazzling babes and she’ll let him take a trip on her love boat. The next morning our guy wakes up to neatly folded clothes and the smell of freshly brewed ...