From the gentle urgings of creative foreplay to the dirty stages where your get the paddles out, here’s a fat whack of killer, FHM-style sex advice…
Ladies love the touchy-feely stuff. Ensure your hands are warmed up and dry and, with your woman sitting comfortably and you standing behind her, place your hands on either side of her head with your palms resting on her temples. Rest your fingertips on her forehead between her eyebrows and above the nose, before moving your palm to the centre of the forehead, pressing down lightly and using the other hand to add pressure. Give your partner plenty of opportunity to tell you if it’s too much. Hold that position for ten seconds, then slowly release.
Pull her hair
If you like it — as many porn stars do — here’s most probably why: “It dramatically increases the feeling of being restrained, which can be quite exhilirating for some, and is often a sexy way to let your partner know what you want.” Not our words, but those of the Fetish Information Exchange at www.fetishclub.com. The easiest way to introduce hair bondage is while pleasuring your girl from behind. Gently massage your fingers into her skull and pull at the base of the hair, then relax again. Repeating this, then holding tight as the pair of you get it on, will leave you feeling naughtier than ever!
Use your talons
Battle scars down your back may be something to display with pride at the gym, but most ladies would rather brag over a cocktail instead. That’s not to say using your claws is out of the question. With your nails, gently scrape your partner’s skin — hard enough to leave a faint mark and bring some fire to the area, but not so hard you break the skin. She’s not screaming with pleasure yet? Then draw your nails slowly down the fleshy bits of her back, waist, inner thighs and bum…
Know what she likes
In those first, glorious days of banging someone new, it’s all too easy to pump away, convinced you’re sorting her out — only to discover later that she actually didn’t enjoy that “special move” your ex loved so much and that, in fact, she thought you were some kind of sexual caveman. Swopping sexual CVs early on can remedy this. Pick a moment — after doing the dirty is good — to find out her attitude towards sex, how many partners she’s had, how often she diddles herself, whether she’s got any fantasies or fetishes and, most importantly, what turns her off. You’ll need to do the same, but avoid the temptation to brag… too much.
If she seems unloved halfway through that jackhammering head bang — even despite your “there’s a good girl” praise — show her to the bed, mouth “Sixty-nine” and bury your slavering jaws between her legs. For that is what porn stars do, and they know about these things. Then allow her to pleasure you and hey presto! Interestingly, The Joy Of Sex author, the late Dr Alex Comfort, swore by the upside-down 69er (his own creation). She lies face-up with her head on the floor and legs on the bed. You kneel over her and lick away while she works her magic. The pressure on her face and neck will make for an unusual and fantastic sensation, and will distance her from your ass.
Read the signs
There’s nothing quite so awkward as putting your hand between your ladyfriend’s legs expecting to find a melted butter pot, only to discover a dry, impenetrable mound that’s going to take a lot more work. A cursory check of the physical indicators found above her waist should eliminate this mistake. When ready for action, your babe’s pupils will dilate, her muscles will tense and her nipples will become erect. Often her entire chest will swell. Tick all that off and there’ll be no surprises in store…
You’ve stretched her with two fingers and she’s still begging for more? Give this a try — it’s less of a strain on you and places greater pressure on the stretch zone — a win-win situation. Put your fore- and middle fingers into the top half of her love canal and the same fingers of your other hand into the bottom half. Yes, that’s four fingers in all, so make sure she’s well warmed up. Then draw your two hands apart, stretching and releasing every couple of seconds to garner a throbbing sensation that’ll make her beg for sexual mercy.
Find the U-spot
The U-spot’s a catchy name for the entrance to your woman’s urethra, or pee-hole. Granted, this doesn’t sound too appealing, but it is responsive to stimulation and some women can orgasm when it is massaged. Located just above the vaginal opening, the U-spot should be handled gently. Vary your finger motion horizontally and vertically and ask her to suck your fingers before using them, as saliva allows your fingers to glide over the area and maximises her chances of having an orgasm.
Vibrators are wonderful for those who struggle to bring their partners off, as well as anyone who can’t be saaked to give her a proper seeing-to. However, despite the shape of most vibes, they’re better for clitoral stimulation than penetration. Begin by working a centimetre away from her love button and gradually work around the area before pressing it onto the sensitive tip. Try this when you’ve penetrated her doggy-style by bringing your hand around the front of her body. Alternatively, slowly work the shaft of the dildo into her vagina with the aid of a lubricant. Keep a firm hand on the device and press your now vibrating thumb onto her clitoris for extra stimulation, or try locate and stimulate her G-spot, which is mid-way up the front wall of her honey pot.
Get your missus to hold her vibrator alongside your shaft while she gives you a wristie, or apply the tip of the vibrator to the heart of your penis (the sensitive triangle of skin just below the head). It’s also worth noting that if you’re spent after a momentous shag, a vibrator applied to your shaft is better than a blowjob to get you ready for action again. If you’re feeling especially adventurous, you can always use a vibe for other sensitive areas – just make sure you use plenty of lube.
Women find nothing hornier than being rubbed down with oil in a candle-filled room. Warm some scented oil in your hands and ask her to lie on her front before getting to work on her back. Work your way up one side of her body with grand sweeping strokes before switching to the other side. Move up and down her arms and legs before asking her to turn over. Don’t concentrate solely on her boobs as you would be tempted to, but work rhythmically (both short and long strokes) across her whole body. Once she’s warmed up, move on to her lady-bits. One killer technique is the “Duck’s Bill”. You shape your fingers into, er, a duck’s bill and hold them over her fanny, before pouring warm massage oil over your hand so it drips onto her clitoris. That should do it.
This position’s name is French for “thigh” – and here’s why. Lie on your side next to your lady, with her on her back. Bring both her legs over yours and enter her from behind. She exerts a certain amount of control over your thrusting using her thighs, and if you’ve done it right she can turn her head to yours for kissing and stuff.
It’s worth noting that although all women undergo the same physiological changes in their journey to orgasm, some may take longer to complete this cycle. It begins with desire, closely followed by arousal. Stimulation follows (for up to 45 minutes in some cases) before orgasm is possible. During orgasm her fanny lips will become engorged, her clitoris will contract and three to 15 rhythmic muscular contractions will wrack her body. Most women then experience a pretty quick loss of sexual and muscular tension as they return to their original, somewhat limper state.
When diving for muff, drive her wild by giving little featherlight whirls of your tongue on top of her clitoris. Another winning version of this particular party trick is to swirl your tongue with greater pressure in circles on the head of her clitoris, before flicking your tongue from side to side immediately underneath it. This is a winner – it won’t be long before she’s in nirvana…
Strangers in a bar
The thrill of a naughty night on the town can provide the ideal setting for fun and games. “Choose the type of venue you’d go to if you were on the pull,” explains Supersex author Tracey Cox, “then plant your partner there and make your move.” A tip: ensure she’s wearing a ridiculously sexy outfit and no knickers. You arrive ten minutes later, have a few drinks and, in Tracey’s words, “Pick her up for a wicked one-nighter!” Go for an animalistic shag outside the bar, then whip her home for the full, one-nightstand experience. The illusion of such promiscuous behaviour will have her as wet as a fish and closer to impulsive sex than she has ever been.
Whips & chains
Who knows what it is about seeing your lady trussed up in silken scarves that gets the juices flowing? If you are both a little more hardcore you can consider “specialist gear” that includes everything from a simple PVE dominatrix outfit to buttock-stripping whips, conical tubes for watersports, and elaborate metalware for the more adventurous. Still interested? Check out the goodies available at Adult World (www.adultworld.co.za), who stocks a reasonable selection of bondage gear and toys that should at the very least spur you on to dig up some of the more specialist shops. Convinced? Then get to the Fetish Information Exchange (www.fetishclub.com/exchange) for some truly terrifying tips!
Psychosexual physician and author of Massage Secrets For Lovers Dr Andrew Stanway knows women, and claims that some are able to orgasm from foot massage alone. Well so can okes, Doc — just as long as schlong is involved! A foot-job from your girl is as tricky as they come, but the benefits are endless. You’ll shoot your load, obviously, and she’ll tone her thighs with the small leg movements required.
Talking dirty isn’t about you effing and cursing like a bad porn actor, it’s all about the illicit thrill of your lady hearing and saying words that she wouldn’t normally use — it’s no good asking her to say dirty stuff if she already swears like a Cape bricklayer when she’s out shopping for shoes. So make a mental list of words she’d never normally use and employ them sparingly in bed.
Porn to be wild
At best, the porn you burn off your mates will leave her cold. At worst, she’ll be running back to her mom’s. With more than 10 000 porn titles released every year, it’s hard to pick something that’ll suit both your tastes. Sex therapist Dr Gary Schubach recommends a bunch at www.doctorg.com. Failing that, cruise down to the video store and grit your teeth for some bafflingly lady-dampening “mainstream” crap like Henry And June,Wild Orchid or Don Juan De Marco.
Bucket in the well
For this position, stand facing your partner and slip it in. Holding one of her legs behind you for greater penetration, take it in turns to thrust and withdraw against each other – or “lever water from the well”. A tip: if she’s shorter than you and the angles are all messed up, get her to wear high heels. Just watch out for your toes!
To experience multiple orgasms, your woman needs unbroken stimulation – if you’re not man enough for this, you might want to invest in a vibrator. The trick is for her to delay her orgasm again and again until she reaches extreme levels of excitement. When she finally blows, you need to continue with the stimulation, and she may find that her climax lasts longer than she expected. Give her a short breather once the initial rush has subsided before you start beavering away again. Didn’t work? The majority of women that are able to have multiple orgasms only discover it during their thirties. So there.
To experience multiple orgasms (as opposed to simply repeated orgasms), you need to separate climax from the spilling of man-fat. In short, you need to come without squirting. This can be achieved by squeezing your pubococcygeal (PC) muscle so it stops sperm from leaving your body. Practise flexing your PC muscle by trying to move your penis using only your internal muscles, and strengthening it by trying to lift a towel repeatedly with your erect penis. In time you will remain hard after your orgasm… and ready for more! Don’t get your hopes up, though: even fewer men than women are able to reach this state.
This technique involves slipping two fingers into your woman, then gently opening them out, so as to stimulate the stretch zone. Feel the side walls of the vagina — which aren’t often stimulated in other ways — to give her an unusual sensation.
Learn the CAT
The Coital Alignment Technique (CAT) is a sexual position “designed” by sex boffins to improve a woman’s chance of orgasm during intercourse, as it stimulates both clitoris and G-spot at the same time. Take up the missionary position and, with your full weight on your lady, edge forward (bending your penis in the process) so your pelvis is directly over her. She then wraps her legs around you and presses when you move backwards, so that you’re gently rocking against each other. As orgasm approaches, just keep gently rocking so that her climax comes naturally.
Don’t stop now!
The female response cycle requires sustained effort; stop for a ciggie break before she’s done and you’ll have to start over if you’re going to get her off. Go to the kitchen for a sandwich by all means if you’re both satisfied, but if it’s just you who’s climaxed, you need to carry on, or you’ll be looking for a new squeeze before the month is out.
You might find wanking in front of your lady a bit embarrassing, but as long as you remember not to adopt your usual come-face, hopefully she’ll find it incredibly horny-making. Meanwhile, you’ll discover how your partner reaches orgasm alone – and learn the best method for you to adopt when you get stuck in later.
Stand behind your lady, place a chair in front and have her bend forwards to rest her forearms on the seat. As you enter, bring her legs up behind you so that they’re wrapped around your back. Shag until you pass out.
A position for the lazy. You sit up, hands behind for support, while she goes on top, facing your feet, gradually sliding her hands down your legs to control the depth of penetration. Meanwhile, you get a front-row seat at the arse-a-torium watching her build up a sweat as she pumps away.
Just as there are times when getting stuck in like an epileptic is just the ticket, sometimes a slow approach pays dividends. Fingers are your greatest asset. Lie side by side and run your fingertips unhurriedly across her skin for a drawn-out erotic sensation. When you do enter, keep up the slow rhythm.
Any swordsman should include a comfy armchair in his sexual armoury. Face each other and hold her hands as she bends back over the rear of the chair, until her head comes to rest on the comfy cushion you’ve put on the seat. Then roger her for your life, diddling her clitoris as you do.
First published in the FHM March 2006 issue.