How to plan the perfect day of Valentine's romance... and reap the rewards in the bedroom!

Valentine's Day... We girls know it's not about real love. It's a commercial machine that provides rose growers with their annual bonus. But, bizarrely, we just can't stop ourselves falling for it. It's the one day of the year when we can quite rightfully demand obscenely romantic behaviour from you men.

We see through the whole Valentine's Day spiel, but we turn a blind eye. Be warned. If you think you can get away with not doing any of the gooey stuff by protesting that V-Day is a crock of crap. There is, however, something in it for you. It's the one day that you will definitely get laid and if you play your cards right, it will be far more than a mere duty shag.

On Valentine's Day, let your lady know that you¹re thinking of her (naked) all day. Lay it on thick. It'll be worth it! By the time evening comes, you¹ll need to prepare for the best sex of the year!

9am: The first SMS
Like a kid at Christmas, she'll know it's Valentine's Day before she wakes up. You need to send her an SMS as soon as your fingers have woken up. "Happy Valentine's Day. I love you, and I can't wait to make love with you ;-) xxx." Your deadline is 9am...

10am: The card
If she's at work in an office, the post will be distributed by 10am. If she's studying, get a friend to slip her your envelope. If you can fold some pretty paper in half and string a few words together, then make the card yourself. Stick a picture of the two of you on the front and write down the things that you think are great about her inside. It's not difficult, and any girl who's worth your time will absolutely love it. If you buy a commercial card, make sure that the message fits your sentiments. Giving a girl you¹ve been seeing for two weeks a card that promises your undyinglove for eternity, with white doves and gold rings encircling the purple prose, will, at best, make her suspicious of your sincerity, or you'll find yourself in emotional handcuffs come the 15th.

11am: The email
There's bound to be something cute and funny doing the rounds on the work email, or find something online. Choose something tasteful or inoffensively funny. Do not send her sexist jokes, an animated jpeg of Cupid mooning her or a picture of a large-breasted woman with her pubic hair shaved into a heart (even if it is pretty cool that she's also dyed it bright red).

Noon: The flowers
Have a bunch of flowers delivered to her office or home. What babes really love about this is that all the other women around notice them as well. Not only has she got your attention, she also gets theirs! If you're having red roses delivered, then you'll need to order in advance. They're expensive around V-Day, so you might be able to get a more impressive bunch of something else for less. Her favourite flowers and a sweet card will probably be more appreciated by a long-term girlfriend (red roses can seem a bit unimaginative). If you're wooing a newish girl, make your bouquet sexy with an erotic message chosen especially for her. "These white lilies make me think of your pale skin. I can't wait to touch you again," for example.

1pm: Lunchtime
It's time for you to get some work done. If you took her to lunch, you'd mess with the tension you're building up for the evening. On Valentine's Day you can't do lunch instead of dinner.

2pm: Send SMS number two!
Now that you¹ve done the mushy flowers thing, you can send a sexier SMS. By this stage of the wooage, your girl will be nicely into the whole V-Day bang-shoot, so feel free to inject your SMS or email with a bit of naughty humour:­ "Violets are blue/Roses are red/I just can't wait/To get you in bed". Or something like that...

3pm: The first coffee break
Send her another SMS. "You deserve a treat. Look in your bag. The sugar will help you keep your energy up for later!" When she looks in her bag, she will find her favourite chocolate that you put there in the morning. Clever, hey? You could also get a nearby bakery to deliver heart-shaped biscuits or drop off a sweet treat at reception for her. She'll love it!

4pm: The check-up
Confirm your restaurant reservation. If you've only twigged to the fact that you should have reserved a table now, good luck, you idiot!

5pm: Send SMS Number Three
Get even raunchier with the SMSes. "I have been thinking of how sexy you are all day. My Valentine, Cupid's arrow has nothing on my shaft!"

6pm: The pick up
Make it 6.30pm so she has enough time to get ready. She's going to want to look stunning for you, you romantic stud! This is just the beginning of the pay-off if you've played your cards right. Just don¹t be too early or too late!

7pm : You're at the restaurant
This dinner will take balls of steel for two reasons. Firstly, you can't go Dutch and secondly, you have to let her order anything she likes. Here's a handy tip: if you're having fresh oysters, touch the edge of the oyster with a fork. The muscle should move away slightly showing the oyster is still alive. If it's dead, leave it in peace. You don't want your evening to peak in projectile vomiting. Speaking of which, don't drink too much either. You want your man-gear functioning at its best come crunch time.

8pm: Time for dessert and a gift
Sharing dessert is sweet. It's cosy licking the same spoon, and she's not going to want a whole fattening dessert for herself. That's right, you're not the only one thinking about what she's going to look like naked! If you've been seeing each other for a while, this is a good time to present her with a special gift. And when we say special gift, we mean jewellery!

9pm: The warm-up
Of course she's going to come in with you, so let's get straight to the good stuff. Spend a good 15 or 20 minutes just giving her lingering, deep kisses. Forget about finger technique and nipple sensitivity, nothing gets a woman moist like a good, sustained graunching! Many a lucky boy will find himself encountering lingerie bought specially for the occasion. It looks fantastic, but can be daunting to remove. Don't panic! Take your time to work it out. It's cost her a lot of money, so she doesn't want you to rip it off immediately anyway. It's Valentine¹s Day, so massaging her is absolutely obligatory. Use about half a teaspoon of massage oil and rub it between your hands to get it warm. Don't pummel her like the Kamp Staaldraad physio. Rub and stroke her firmly, paying particular attention to her shoulders, hands and feet. When she turns on her back, don't squeeze her breasts or push on her belly, ­the oil and your hands have made her skin sensitive, so all you need to do is stroke and tease her. Rub her inner thighs from her knees up, moving closer to her love palace with each stroke, before lightly dipping in...

10pm : The moment you've both been waiting for!
Sweet union! Recommended position is the missionary, which allows you to look into her eyes, touch her face and kiss her neck, maximising intimate feelings (those are the things she's after, by the way). After all your hard work being romantic, you don't want to throw it away by manoeuvring her into a slutty position... just yet.

11pm: The champers
Lie still for a while, just letting the glow soak in. Then get that champagne you were chilling (check how organised you are?). She'll be feeling really mushy and will want to "share" with you (but of course, you guys do know that sharing the emotional stuff now will lead to sharing the physical stuff later). Tell her a few things about yourself ­ your first kiss or some not-too-recent heartbreak. Something bittersweet and romantic. As you work your way down the bottle, keep things fun. Play truth or dare or try some card games. You can buy fun, sexy card games and stuff online or at La Senza. Allow the bubbly booze to ease your inhibitions and slip into session two... midnight encore! Go completely wild! Suck champagne out of her belly-button. Stand in front of the bedroom mirror and let her watch herself giving you a blowjob. Turn her over and do her from behind with your fist clenched in her hair. Have her ride you with her nails buried in your chest... and more and more and more!

1am: The sleep
You're satisfied ­ for now. You can doze off until...

3am: Middle-of-the-night nookie
Find yourselves half-awake groping each other in the dark! Now that's romance! Then get more well-deserved rest!

7am wake-up call
Put your phone under your pillow and set it to vibrate so that you wake up before her. Start stroking her hair, gently kissing her face. Move down her body, running your hands over her physique very softly. Then, gently, start licking between her legs. Increase the speed and pressure as she rouses. She'll love waking up with you, and will definitely want to do it again! And that's what you want!

8am: The breakfast
Show her you¹re a man with true staying power who will treat her like a princess. For a touch that will melt her heart, find a couple of heart-shaped fried-egg shapers. Most homeware stores have them at this time of year. She'll think you¹re Eros (that's the god of erotic love, not the bulgy orange guy).

9am: The cherry
Put a note on her pillow while she¹s in the shower: "Thanks for an amazing Valentine's Day." It's as easy as that, you have her hooked for another year!

First published in the FHM March 2007 issue.
Words: Michelle Matthews