Beat the winter chill with FHM’s guide to setting your bedroom ablaze…
Winter is high season for fans of the nipple stand, but it can also tend to be a rather dry spell in nookieland. No longer! FHM reckons winter is an opportunity to get toasty with your tasty lady companion! According to a recent survey, South Africans, on average, have sex 120 times a year. That sounds pretty good, until you check that the Russians are getting off 143 times a year. Russia, okes… An extra 23 bonks per annum means only one thing – the Russkies know how to keep warm.
Steam it up!
Oysters, truffles, liquorice… the list of aphrodisiacs is endless, but on a nippy night at home, a real libido-boosting winner is a hot curry. The reason spicy foods rank high on the list of aphrodisiacs is because they work on the human body in much the same way as a good bout in the bedroom does. Your heart rate goes up, you start to perspire… sound familiar? Light her fire by taking her out to a good Indian restaurant or, even better, borrow Mom’s recipe book and whip up a traditional SA curry from scratch.
Chocolate contains phenylethylamine and serotonin. These natural chemicals produced by your brain put you on a high – like when you’re in love or just horny as hell – and the ladies are especially susceptible to their effects. Instead of trying to tempt your honey with an Inside Story, why not make her a steaming mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows? She won’t be able to resist.
Location, location, location
Girls love soaking in the tub! Throw in candles, aromatherapy oils – vanilla is a proven aphrodisiac for both sexes – and don’t forget foamy bubbles to hide the bits she’s shy about. Get her some babe-friendly bathtub toys, and let her tickle herself with her toys while you soap her boobies.
The Tumble Dryer
Kitchen counters are so last season! Seriously, your honey’s not going to feel very amorous with that new granite surface numbing her bottom half. Rather lift her up onto a pleasantly warm tumble dryer while it’s running through its cycle and she’ll be wrapping her legs around your waist in no time!
Chances are, unless you’re Hugh Hefner, you don’t have a blazing fireplace with the pelt of an albino tiger spread before it. There’s no substitute for this classic setting of seduction… so when you do have this golden opportunity – say, on holiday or at a relative’s – seize it! No woman can resist the lure of roaring logs, a glass of bubbly and marshmallows on a stick.
Under a Blanket
A sneaky handjob under the covers is always great, but your babe will shed more inhibitions if she knows the two of you are alone. For a fresh spin on the evening, hide some “accessories” down the sides of the couch. A can of whipped cream, a banana or her favourite vibrator and flavoured condoms are all good ideas. Once you’re snuggled under a duvet with a DVD (lady-friendly porn is optional, but rugby is not sexy), slip off her panties and get started.
Ladies like Jacuzzis for two reasons. The first is that the Jacuzzi’s churning water makes their breasts float like engorged life buoys, and the second is that the fine streams of delicious bubbles tickle their lady bits! It almost feels rude to gatecrash this adult-sized SodaStream machine by introducing your hairy ass to the party, but your frisky lady friend will soon be longing for something a bit more “filling” than bubbles and water!
It’s time to perfect your technique…
Your girlfriend will be anything but cold with this full-body, skin-on-skin position. Get her to make herself comfortable lying on her tummy, with her legs slightly apart. Lower yourself directly down on top of her, with your legs on either side of hers, and enter her carefully. Then ask her to cross her legs at the ankles! The tight squeeze means that she will feel every inch of your penis while you make short, tight thrusts and generate plenty of body heat as you work harder for your orgasm. You’ll get to enjoy the feeling of having your body pressed along the entire length of hers!
The Snow Queen
Also known as the Queen of Diamonds! Lie down and have your snow bunny lower herself onto you. Now drape the duvet around her shoulders to keep her warm and, with you deep inside her, have her imagine a diamond shape. Then ask her to gently trace that shape with her pelvis: first up, then left, then down and to the right. You’ll enjoy full penetration and she’ll feel you against her from every angle.
The Rubber Duck
For maximum results, you might want to invest in one of those stretchy, detachable shower heads. Run a bath of warm water (only halfway, though – there’s a whole lot of sloshing on the cards for this one), then climb in first and lie back. Now have your honey kneel astride you and facing the taps. Enter her while she grinds against you. She can use the shower head to direct jets of water at her clitoris, leaving your hands free to massage her back or stimulate her breasts.
The Rocking Horse
Lie back on the bed and keep one leg stretched out in front of you and the other bent at the knee. Your babe needs to lower herself onto you, reverse cowgirl-style with your knee as her “pony”. She should be able to pull your raised knee towards her chest, with a leg on either side of it. Now let her rock herself back and forth, using your knee to steady herself.
Now for something really hot…
Surely you’ve seen that candle wax sex scene in Body Of Evidence? Dripping tiny splashes of wax on naked skin can be highly erotic. Tiny splashes, we said. You don’t want to set your room on fire! The smaller the candle, the easier it is to handle. Use a candle holder to prevent it getting knocked over in the heat of the moment.
First make sure that you and your babe are open to the idea. Test it out by lighting a candle and dropping a small splash of wax onto one of your hands. The quick flash of pain, then bliss and relief as it quickly cools and hardens can be incredibly sexy.
Coloured candles may stain skin, clothes and duvets. Also avoid areas where the skin is particularly thin, like the inside of arms, thighs and genitals. Some good spots are the chest, the buttocks and down the length of the spine. If you want to drip a little hot wax on the nipples, start at least a hand’s length away and work your way closer, as men and women have varying degrees of sensitivity in that area.
Last tip: never drop candle wax on the same spot twice – you’ll blister, for sure!
There are only three or four good months of winter, men. So hop to it!
First published in the FHM August 2007 issue.
Words: Stacey Maree