Mention “dying in the saddle”, and FHM’s stock response used to be, “What a way to go!” But is it really? Browsing through just a few of the 39 million pages that pop up when you Google the words “death” and “sex”, we discovered that it’s eminently possible – but contrary to our fantasies, usually occurs under rather disturbing circumstances.
Popping your clogs on the job isn’t always the nicest way to shuffle off this mortal coil… and spare a thought for those unfortunates who didn’t actually die in the process…
Among the celebrated members of the in flagrante delicto death club is Félix François Faure, a 19th-century president of France. Previously more famous for granting anarchist movements amnesty, Faure died in 1899 in the company of his mistress, Marguerite Steinheil. It’s said that upon discovering her ageing partner had died during fellatio, Steinheil suffered lockjaw and had to be surgically removed from the corpse. True or not, there’s no doubt Faure died doing what he loved. Similarly, when US president Franklin D. Roosevelt died suddenly in 1945 while having his portrait painted
by a woman, it was strongly rumoured that it wasn’t a brush that was doing the strokes…
Coming round the mountain…
Young lovers identified only as Germano and Franciska were killed in a freak car accident in Chieti, Italy, in May 2000. Investigators discovered them almost completely naked in the wreckage of their Fiat and surmised they were having sex while racing along country roads at close to 130km/h. Germano lost control on a curve, resulting in the 27-year-old and his 20-year-old babe going out with a real bang… in more ways than one. Many Italian youngsters use their cars for the pre-nuptial nookie that’s frowned upon by strict parents, but most have the sense to park it first. Worthy Darwin Awards nominees…
First-division Romanian soccer midfielder Mario Bugeanu, 24, and his love Mirela Lancu, 23, couldn’t wait to get down and dirty after a day out. As soon as their car pulled into his garage, they hastily got down to making “the beast with two backs”. Unfortunately, Mario’s engine wasn’t the only one running… they died from carbon monoxide poisoning shortly thereafter. The couple were discovered by Mario’s father on Monday morning.
Canadian Crystal Boarder, 31, was found guilty of criminal negligence which caused the death of her husband, Tony. Throughout their ten-year relationship they had performed acts of suffocation and on 8 September, 2007, the pair taped themselves taking turns hanging each other in the barn next to their house. Crystal was first hanged by her husband, then let down before he placed the rope around his own neck so she could string him up. Before passing out, he told her to lower him – but she proceeded to bring him to the ground over a period of 15 minutes. For the next 40 minutes she checked his pulse and smoked, before realising that he’d got it up for the last time. In a strange twist, the deceased had killed a 19-year-old woman by strangulation during a dangerous sex act in 1987, and had served time for manslaughter.
When a Pennsylvania woman was electrocuted, her husband Toby Taylor, 37, initially claimed that his wife Kirsten was killed by a short in her hair dryer. Confronted by police with the burns on her body, he then claimed that they were into S&M. On the evening in question, he alleged, she had removed her clothes, attached crocodile clips to her nipples, and “plugged the cord into a socket”. He then took over, shocking her several more times, until Kirsten, 29, keeled over. Taylor said he thought she was messing around, but called 911 when she stopped breathing. He told investigators that they’d been engaging in electric shock sex and other types of extreme bondage for two years – but some gender-violence activists believe he got away with premeditated murder, only concocting the “kinky sex” alibi when his original hair dryer story was debunked.
Florida investigators believe the 1999 death of Bryan Loudermilk, 28 – who was found in a specially dug pit with a board over his body, crushed beneath the rear wheel of his bakkie – was accidental. His wife, Stephanie, did not deny that she drove over her husband, but released videotapes to the police – in which she was identified by a tattoo on her lower leg – showing her stomping small mammals to death. The videos were sold to networks of “crush” perverts, who get their thrills watching little creatures being stamped to death by women. She claimed she was an unwilling participant in the videos, and had been beaten many times by her headcase husband prior to accepting his instruction to drive over him. Stephanie was eventually charged with two counts of felony animal cruelty, later reduced to misdemeanours. As for her husband, his death under the wheels of his own pick-up was deemed the act of a consenting adult.
The lop of life
On 23 June, 1993, John Wayne Bobbit came home after a night of partying and, his wife Lorena later testified, forced her to have sex. This was allegedly not the first time he’d raped her. Traumatised, she went to the kitchen for a drink of water. While there, she noticed a 20cm carving knife on the counter. “Memories of past abuse raced through my head,” she later claimed – so she went to the bedroom with the knife, cut off her sleeping husband’s shlong, got into the car and drove off, still clutching Bobbit’s bell end. Upon remembering it, she rolled down the window and threw it into a field in shock. John was rushed to the hospital and amazingly, after an exhaustive search, the police located “Little John”. They packed it in ice and got it to ER for a nine-hour reattachment. During her arrest, Lorena commented to police that, “He always has an orgasm and he doesn’t wait for me to have an orgasm. He’s selfish.” She was found not guilty due to temporary insanity and spent 45 days in a mental institution. John Wayne was luckier than most – instead of “death by ghoenage”, he achieved “fame by mutilation”. He recovered the use of his organ and went on to star in the porn flicks John Bobbit: Uncut and Frankenpenis.
You’ve probably seen this email already – about the Idaho teenager who imitated the pie scene from American Pie and got his pecker severely burned by the scalding filling. There’s just one snag – it’s a total urban legend, no more truthful than other stories that won’t die, like Richard Gere and the gerbil, or the tale of the wife who finds her husband tied up by his mistress, and leaves him bound and helpless – with her curling tongs shoved up his nought. They’re all false, according to snopes.com. We’re not sure why people make up these ridiculous myths, when there are so many true tales of sexual disaster to amuse us…
Mile high to six feet under
In December 1991, according to a US National Transportation Safety Board report, a private pilot and a female pilot-rated passenger were going to practise simulated instrument flight. However, witnesses observed the aircraft’s right wing fail in a dive, causing a crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the fully reclined position. Neither body showed evidence of harnesses being worn and examination of clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or tearing. Investigators could only conclude that the passenger invited the pilot to use his pink joystick for some very real internal manoeuvres, causing erratic flight that exceeded the design limits of the plane, leading to wing failure.
Falling in love
On 20 June 2007, a South Carolina cabbie found a 21-year-old couple naked and injured in the road, an hour before sunrise. The mysterious couple died at the nearest hospital without regaining consciousness. The police were baffled, as there were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, no wrecked cars or motorbikes and no fatal external wounds. Investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building, when they discovered two sets of neatly folded clothes. “Kinky sex” takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof… Apparently, they had decided to make each other howl at the moon and got carried away. Sgt Florence McCants said, “It appears as if they accidentally fell off the roof.” Ironically, one of the two was named Tumbleston.
Lump’s last hump
FHM’s brother-in-law used to be a paramedic in New York and saw a lot of disturbing injuries, some involving samurai swords and acid sprays. Yet the call-out that troubled him most was a bloodless double death. “We received a call to go to a fourth-floor apartment, from a woman trapped under her 180kg boyfriend. At first she’d thought he’d dozed off after blowing his load, but in fact he’d had a massive coronary.” When he and his partner arrived at the scene, they discovered that the dead weight of the deceased had suffocated the lightly built caller. “The oke was so fat, it took four of us to get him down the stairs, but the lady was so light I carried her on my own,” he told us. She should have insisted on being on top…
First published in the FHM September 2009 issue.
Words: Chris Bartlett
Illustrations: Vos Illustrations