In the FHM July 2008 issue we begged you to pay attention as this isn't the sort of advice you’re not going to find in any dictionary…

A
Anal: Or in golfing terms, the back nine. Sometimes not as heartily embraced by real girls as it is by the ones in |Buttbusters 15 – Booty Knights.
Automation: Ladies love the AutoMan 3000 – and they don’t necessarily have to fly solo. Offer to steer! The only downside is the price of batteries.

B
Baby batter: Yours could be more dangerous than you think – it travels as fast as an ice-cream van! Also known as the yoghurt truck. Which ties in nicely to Bukkake.
Boobs! Or breasts, bosoms, balloons, bazongas, etc: Nuff said…
Brazilian: “’Cos nothing that purty should have to peer at the world through a fringe…” Best when she leaves a neat patch at the top, like the world’s luckiest Cossack hat.
Bukkake: Getting hit by the yoghurt truck!

C
Clap (The): There are deadlier STDs out there, but a painful ooze is not the sort of thing you want to show a GP who knows your parents. Or your wife. Read those “ABC” billboards and glove up.

D
Dice: Actually, sex dice. Throw the dice, then assume the position… If you’re having a threesome, use two! You can buy both “Naughty Bedroom Dice” and “Playtime Love Dice” from your local sex shop, or from www.matildas.co.za
Dildo: They might sound tame and old-hat, until you realise that they make Orca-cock dildos. No word of lie. Go check out some disturbing sex toys at fhm.co.za
Doggy style: On a bed with a mirror over the headboard? Niiice! On the floor? Put a towel down – carpet burns are a) embarrassing and b) instantly recognisable.
Domination: Getting used, abused and restrained by a babe in leather and stiletto boots can be a great turn-on if you’re used to being in charge. A wise man will study his girlfriend carefully and at length for any hints of incipient bunny-boiling first.

E
Ejaculation: Not yours, bud. |Her ejaculation – rare, but a tribute to your prowess. No, she did not just pee on you. Pat yourself on the back, rather than scolding her like an untrained puppy.
Epic Fails: Too much alcohol, racing through foreplay, putting it in her pooper by mistake… will all end in this result.
Erotica: Porn for girls. It gets results, so just suck it up. You can shut your eyes during lingering shots of sweaty man-chest if you have to.

F
Felching: Proof that people who have way too much sex get way too bored and experimental. No, we really can’t tell you – you’d hate us for putting the image in your head. Look it up on wikipedia.org instead. But not while drinking a milkshake.
Fellatio: The breakfast of champions, the gift that keeps on giving. If you’re bedding a novice struggling to tame her gag reflex, here’s a tip: It’s easier to swallow a marshmallow than a cucumber, so she should get practising before Mr Happy’s really had time to wake up. No, honestly…
Fingers: Make sure yours are clean, sensitive, versatile… and busy.

G
Gimp suit: An acquired taste. It’s considered bad form to keep your gimp in a trunk without its consent. If you’re keen to be the one in the suit, be sure to apply the same bunny-boiler check as for “Domination” above.
Grrr! We’re not suggesting bestiality – just use your primal instincts to get her going. Growl, gently shove her against the wall and take her there and then. There’s a time and a place for a macho man.

H
Humour: You must have a sense of one (especially when she lets rip with a fanny fart). That aside, humour is consistently ranked in the top three “most desirable” qualities that women look for in a man. Make her laugh, make her come – that’s our motto.
Halitosis: No one wants to be slobbered over by a stinky breather! Mouthwash guys, mouthwash!

I
I: As in you, yourself. If you want to be a sex god, forget about “I”. Okay, not entirely. Just remember what they taught you lining up for class in Grade 1: “Ladies first!” After that, it can be all about “I”. Just don’t get any in hers.

J
Jailbait: Nope, |nein, |nyet, no way, nooit, nuh-uh. Yes, we know, but just don’t go there.
Jelly: Eat it off her. Combine with whipped cream and chocolate bodypaint to make our favourite dessert – lady trifle. Preceded by a babe-sammich, you’ve got a complete meal right there.

K
Kama Sutra: Way more deep philosophy and bizarre animal imagery than any sex manual needs, but the pictures are inspiring. You can probably get them on a deck of cards, too, and save more room on your coffee table for |FHMs.
Kissing: “What’s wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy!” Who are we to argue with John Cleese?
Kids: Another hazard of unrestrained baby batter. Best only if you can afford them – they’re costly, messy and noisy. Our moms raised some good ones, though…

L
Lube: One of |FHM’s favourite words. Say it with us in a Homer Simpson voice: “Loooob! Hehehe… Loooob! Hehehe… Looooob!” It never gets old. Anyway, get some. It’s like chalk dust is to weight lifters, except exactly the opposite.
Licking: Seriously, just the word itself makes us want to cover ourselves in something sweet and sticky.
Lesbians: We love ’em. Could watch their movies for hours…

M
Masturbation: A handy stress-reliever, a stop-gap between partners, a sure-fire antidote to boredom, the ultimate in safe sex, a cure for insomnia, your best defence against prostate cancer – we really can’t think of a negative. Oh, yeah – the Pope disapproves. But then, that’s his job.
Midgets: Getting a wristie from one can make almost any penis look porn-star impressive.
Muff dive: Not just grudging payback for a blowie – the true connoisseur loves nothing more than to graze like a manatee upon the sea-grass of lurve…

N
No: Does not mean “Yes”.
Nipples: They come in all shapes, sizes and colours, and they all like to be treated differently. If in doubt, ask.

O
Oral: Put fellatio and muff-diving together, and you get the best number in the world – 69. Sing it with us: “It’s the ci-i-ircle of li-i-ife…”
Orgasm: The big one. More precisely, how to avoid it for as long as possible. Three good techniques, if you feel one coming on: Squeeze the base of your pork-sword hard. Pull out and go in for some carpet munching. Think of your gran naked.

P
Prostate: The male G spot. We’ve heard of it. But we just can’t seem to put our finger on it.
Parents: Tell yours that your house is been renovated and you have to stay at their place. Then do it everywhere you can without being caught. Don’t forget under the blanket while watching a movie.
Porn: Erotica for guys. On a cold and lonely night, twice as comforting as hot chocolate.

Q
Questions: If you don’t ask, you won’t get. Seek and ye shall find and all that. Communicate with her. Ask her questions about what she likes, etc. Perhaps she’s just dying for a threesome with you and her hot friend. If you don’t ask, you could miss out on a babe sammich!

R
Rogering: Sometimes that’s all she wants. She doesn’t want the whole romantic, petals on the silk sheets schpiel. She just wants to be bent over the couch and rogered, good and proper.

S
Shocker (The): It’s amazing what just three fingers can do! If you’re confused, head on over to www.rotten.com/library/language/the-finger/shocker/ and read all about it. The cool part of this cheeky bedroom surprise is the millions of ways to describe it: two in the pink and one in the stink; two in the coot, one in the boot; two in the crack, one in the back – the list is endless!
Stamina: Totally overrated, in our book – but betties who read Jackie Collins novels seem to insist on it. FHM recommends keeping a crate of energy drinks on hand for emergencies.

T
Tag team! It’s the other sort of threesome… But it’s only gay if balls are touching, so stick to the classic spit-roast combination and you’ll be fine.
Tea bagging: Like ignored stepkids, your ’nads get seriously resentful if nobody pays any attention to them. Be sure to put them somewhere warm and moist from time to time, just to cheer them up…
Threesomes: The traditional variety (yeah, call us old fashioned) – where you have to raise your game and pleasure two demanding ladies. Luckily, if the pressure ever gets too much for you, it’s just as much fun to sit back and watch for a while…

U
Underrods: Faded lime green jocks from Mr. Price don’t cut it – she’s expected to get all dolled up in sexy lingerie but |you get to stay in skid-marked, holey boxers and socks that you leave on? It’s just not on. Buy some “special occasion” jocks like Calvin Klein or Armani tightie-whitey boxers.

V
VW! The Volksie bonnet. Is nice. We like. Um. That’s all we wanted to say.
Ventilate: If you both sleep naked – or even better, do a Beau Brummel for the weekend – all that fresh air around your nethers will keep you frisky.

W
Wet spot: The cad makes her sleep in it; the wimp sleeps in it himself. The FHM guy shags her on the dining room table, so the problem never arises. (Although that does cripple the conversation for the rest of the dinner party.)

X
X: As in, yours. Sex with the ex, properly handled, combines just the right amount of residual anger with the liberating satisfaction of knowing you won’t have to cuddle afterwards, or promise to call her. At it’s best, it’s hot, sweaty, animal, no-holds-barred, illegal-in-37-states |rutting, and nothing can beat it!
Xenophobia: Get over it by sleeping with a foreigner – preferably from a nation you dislike. Try a Greek or an American or, wait for it… an Australian! You can close your eyes and think of Emily Scott to make it easier…
XX-chromosome: It’s the one that makes girls. Bless it!

Y
Yelling: Some okes swear that letting out a climactic bellow intensifies their orgasms. The next time you and your babe are somewhere nice and soundproof, why not test the theory?
Y-fronts: Forget ’em. Not only are they reputed to mess with your stock of man-seed, but babes always prefer boxers.

Z
Zodiac: A load of superstitious tosh, but some girls are obsessed with it. Learn enough astrological babble to say things like, “I think it’s my rising Aquarius moon that makes me so drawn to your empathy…” and you’re sorted.
Zones: Erogenous, is this case. Find ’em, learn ’em, then stroke ’em gently – much loving to follow!
Zzz’s: Sex cures insomnia – fact. Sex also cures headaches – fact. So if your girlfriend is unable to sleep due to a migraine, you know what to do…

First appeared in the FHM July 2008 issue.