“Sex? The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.” So huffed 18th Century Brit politician Lord Chesterfield from under his powdered wig, while covering his nose with a silk hanky. One can only imagine that esteemed Whig is now turning in his grave, as the civilised world descends into a writhing mass of promiscuity and experimentation. And at the forefront of this sexual revolution sits the holy grail of sexual fantasy: the legendary threesome. In our November 2008 issue, FHM’s Justin Quirk set off on a courageous adventure…

Threesomes are unavoidable. A whole episode of Channel 4’s sitcom Peepshow was devoted to a couple disastrously hooking up with another woman. Cultural arbiter Jay-Z used to advise – in the days before he married Tina Turner’s reincarnation – that there is “Only one way to roll… Jigga and two ladies”. The chest-to-chest school of soft, inclusive lesbianism is a reliable standard in eTV’s late-night weekend softcore line-up.

Anecdotally, several agony aunts report a trend for young men going out in pairs looking for women to ‘spitroast’ before copping off with each other when they fail to pull. Meanwhile, a number of kiss-and-tell stories involving everyone from Robbie Williams to Paul Danan have seen ‘honeypot’ women working in pairs. Which makes me think that if a boggle-eyed Z-lister who used to be in Hollyoaks can get a piece of the ménage-à-trois action, surely anyone can?

I spent the latter half of my twenties obsessed with the idea of squiring two women at the same time. Partly, this stemmed from a sense that I’d worked my way through pretty much everything else on my ‘sexual checklist’; sex outdoors, foreign girls, black girls, messing around with cameras, and once getting choked so hard by a scar-covered girl from Hull that I lost my voice for three days. But still, the holy grail escaped me. And the longer this situation went on, the more frustrating I found it; not least because I reckoned it would be absolutely fantastic.

However, this isn’t the message that you get from most media discussions on the ‘two’s up’. A recent article in pretend newspaper Metro concluded that such experimentation would ruin your relationship with your girlfriend, while Closer magazine reckoned that “they result in jealousy and resentment”.

And yet going on the prowl with your girlfriend may be the only option, as the likelihood of picking up two random women is realistically very, very slim. Pub bravado notwithstanding, pulling one woman is difficult enough. Juggling her for an evening while lining up a second girl and both of them going along with your fiendish plan is unlikely in the extreme. As the most reliable recent surveys show, only 8% of men have had a threesome with two women and just 5% have got it on with a male/female couple.

But there are a few things you can do to force the odds in your favour. A global survey for Durex revealed that 28% of Australians had enjoyed a threesome, making them the most troilistic nation on Earth. Kiwis and South Africans run them a close second (26%) suggesting that you should get down to your local Walkabout. However, when my girlfriend and I went on an exploratory mission to two different branches we came away empty-handed.

If you’re single, you need to be prepared to let a few potential shags slip through your fingers; if chatting up a girl, lightly flirting with her friend is, in most cases, going to ruin your chances with the first woman. But, every now and then, you could hit on a pair who are sapphically inclined. Reassuringly, the same Durex survey found that only 23% of people categorically ruled out a threesome, so a majority are open to persuasion.

Risky undertaking
How desperate and underhand you become is entirely up to you. Shamefully, in my single days I resorted to all kinds of scams. Inviting back two Swedish girls who had missed the last train and needed to stay at my house, knowing full well that there was no spare bedding for them to camp in the front room with. One of them ‘slept’ with her back to us while her friend gave me an unfinished hand job, leaving me with ‘blue balls’ of epic proportions. While on holiday, I sat with my arm around a holiday girlfriend while furtively pawing at her friend with the other – eventually getting a sound bollocking and no action from both of them. A casual fling and I even trawled the internet for a willing singleton; by the time we’d clicked through the thousands of badly lit photos of women – on green nylon carpets, in tracksuits, looking a bit like Big Daddy – I just felt depressed. Even on a legitimate site such as Swingingheaven.co.uk the ‘couples seeking women’ outnumber ‘women seeking couples’ by 5:1. And horribly, there seems to be a Faustian trade-off that if a woman is freaky enough to get with a couple of strangers, she may well look like one of those things that used to advertise Monster Munch.

If you’re going to embark on this potentially risky undertaking, your own motives should be sound. In The Game, Neil Strauss’ forensic analysis of America’s power-pulling sub-culture, he attributes the threesome-obsession of chief puller Mystery to him “not getting much love as a child”. When starting the hunt for another partner with your girlfriend, remember that you’ll be showing her a side of you that you normally keep locked away – ‘single’ you. Which means she gets to see you in all your two-faced, bullshitting, emotionally vulnerable glory. Whether getting wanked off by two women at the same time is worth giving her this window into your soul is a moot point. Personally, I thought it was. We eventually got lucky not through the internet or random strangers but that loose network of ‘people you kind of know through work but aren’t really friends with’. Having raised the subject hypothetically with a girl who I thought might be up for it – flirty, worked as a club dancer, did a lot of recreational drugs – I knew she might go for it. Emboldened by the internet’s anonymity, I fired off an e-mail to her saying that my girlfriend was up for getting together with another girl; did she fancy joining us for a night in a posh hotel?

I then spent 48 hours in a blind panic, convinced that I’d broken some arcane sexual harassment law and was going to spend the next five years sharing a cell with Ian Huntley. Luckily, I got a positive reply from the girl in question. “Interesting girlfriend you’ve got. Why not?” And that was it; two weeks later, I found myself perched on the side of a Jacuzzi grinning inanely as two beautiful women went at it hammer and tongs in front of me. At a couple of points I wandered out of the room and sat down quietly. Partly because the last thing they wanted was to feel like they were ‘performing’ for some voyeur, and partly because I was starting to bug out a bit from sensory overload. Throughout, I thought of the horrifying experiences friends of mine had recounted: the couple who pulled a girl only for her to have a panic attack in their front room; the woman who kept finishing my female friend’s sentences and then screamed abuse at her boyfriend when he asked if she was alright; the old school mate who actually did pull two random women at a happy hardcore night under a Mexican restaurant but tempered his story with the caveat that they looked – and smelled – “a bit homeless”.

A lifelong ambition
I thought of all that, and thanked my lucky stars that absolutely nothing went wrong. No erectile dysfunction, no premature ejaculation (it’s as if my brain knew this one was too important to balls up and gave me the kind of diamond cutter that heavy drinking sometimes leaves you with). No awkward, tearful incidents, no comedy clashing of heads during double blowjobs.

Mainly, this was thanks to the women. On my girlfriend’s part, the fact that she was as keen to experience a threesome as me and the fact that we talked exhaustively about our hopes, limits, rules and misgivings left little room for mishap. And to the other girl’s credit, she was polite, respectful of the fact that we were a couple and constantly put both of us at our ease. The only near mishap was when I lost my footing in the Jacuzzi and narrowly avoided impaling myself on a champagne bottle. I also got rumbled later on trying to take a sneaky cameraphone picture of the girls lying in each others arms.

For the next few weeks I surfed around on a wave of confident happiness. I’d just had an experience that I know I’ll remember for the rest of my life and will probably start ranting about on my deathbed (“What’s Granddad trying to tell us?”). I’m sure some people are having unpleasant, coercive threesomes that will wreck their relationships, but right now I couldn’t care less. I’ve fulfilled a lifelong ambition and feel more attractive and happy than ever before. I think I finally, fully, understand what pervy novelist Henry Miller meant when he described sex as being “one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”

The psychologist’s viewpoint
Is this all because you weren’t breastfed for long enough?

Dr Dawn Harper – host of Radio One’s Sunday Surgery and author of Dr Dawn’s Healthcheck – sees plenty of cases where relationships have failed due to miniature gang-banging gone wrong. “The thought of a threesome is often better than the reality,” she cautions. But before you rush off for a second opinion, hear her out. “Men are much more visually driven and so it ticks the boxes. Your girlfriend is more likely to regret it afterwards.”
But hold on, what if it goes down brilliantly and you’re the rutting Matt Dillon to Denise Richards and Neve Campbell in Wild Things. What then? “The danger is it can become addictive and you have to have it more and more to satisfy your desire”. Shit. Another pitfall is if your now liberalised other half asks for a second bloke to warm your sheets. You owe her one and things are about to get hairy. “That can be tough for a guy,” says Dr Dawn. “Performance envy and anxiety is a big issue for guys so to see your girlfriend being pleasured by a another man is going to be hard to take. There’s also the worry that you’ll enjoy the male side of things more than you’d care to admit!” Christ, what a minefield.

What it means for a girl
FHM’s resident sex authority talks us through the ‘women’s side of things’

Having a threesome for most girls is just plain naughty. It’s about pushing the boundaries of ‘normality’ and, because the act itself is becoming more socially acceptable, increasing numbers of us girls are up for it. Personally I prefer two girls to one boy, I love the extra intimacy that comes with sharing with another girl. Spoiling your boyfriend rotten, play fighting over his cock and teasing him. Although if you want the luxury of two women then it’s only fair that your girlfriend is offered the opportunity of two men – and in this case, you need to ask yourself how you’re going to feel watching your girlfriend being pleasured by another man. If it would turn you on to see her enjoying herself, then go for it. If you’d want to lay the guy out, then stay away.

There’s some debate about whether it’s better with strangers, or mates who you trust. My first threesome was with a best friend and it was a great first step into the scene, although if it had gone wrong then there was the potential of losing a good friend. Although we didn’t fall out, after that experience it became apparent that our friends were becoming slightly wary around us, in a ‘watch out with those two, they’ll just get you drunk and try to shag you’ kind of way. Bearing this in mind we changed tack and started chatting up strangers. Once we started looking we were surprised by just how many single guys and girls there are out there who are up for new experiences.

How to make it happen
1 How to bring it up with a girlfriend
Sharing fantasies is the obvious place to start. Then just ask the question, “Would you be up for another girl/guy joining us one day?” If she’s not overly keen don’t pressure her, let the idea sit with her for a while before you bring it up again, but wait a decent amount of time: months, rather than hours. If she’s had girl-on-girl fantasies then you’ve got a head start.

2 How to ask a girl in a bar
Once you decide to go for it and see someone you both like the look of, flirt as you would on any night out. It works best if you chat the girl up and then drop into conversation that your girlfriend thinks she’s hot. If she doesn’t move off in fear or disgust then take it as a positive sign. If there’s obvious chemistry ask her outright if she’s up for some fun with you both.

3 Which websites are good for meeting like-minded people?
Sdc.com, partyconnections.co.uk, adultfriendfinder.com, xmatch.com are all good; and if you’re serious about this it’s worth paying the fee for a good site, rather than ploughing through Gumtree. Local swingers clubs will often host threesomes nights; for example, once a month thefclub.com host a night for younger couples and single girls to meet in London which has a very good reputation.

Putting photos up on networking sites and being open about your intentions is likely to attract singles to you; lurking anonymously will just make people suspicious of you. If you do arrange to meet someone from the internet then make it clear that you just want to have a drink and that you will arrange a second meeting if the chemistry’s right. This takes the pressure off everyone involved, gives you a get out clause and is fairly standard behaviour. If however the chemistry is obvious and you are all up for it then rules are made to be broken!

4 What’s the best venue?
A decent hotel room will add glamour and if things go wrong then you can distance yourself from the event. It is more costly, but avoids having to invite a stranger into your home, at least for the initial encounter. Bring some music as well so it keeps the party ambience going rather than feeling weirdly sterile.

5 What else should you bring?
Definitely bring lube and condoms. Sex toys are a great addition, but don’t bring them out until things have warmed up a little as if anyone’s having second thoughts they could panic. If seeing your girlfriend using a strap-on is one of your fantasies then make sure you have one to hand because this could well
be your (only) opportunity.

The dos and don’ts of tri-sexual etiquette

DON’T…
Expect anything
If you are completely comfortable with the possibility that nothing will happen then it’s more likely that something will. I’ve been in situations where I was up for fun but as soon as I felt like there was pressure or expectation it lost all appeal.”

Say ‘I love you’
This is a new experience, not an extension to your relationship.

Get involved in politics on the night
You and your girlfriend should discuss the boundaries in advance. The third party needs to know if you have preferences (such as no playing unless all three parties are present), but they certainly don’t want to get stuck in a debate between you and your missus.”

Touch them up all the time
You wouldn’t do it on a normal date so give the new girl the same respect.

Concentrate on one lady
Be careful not to let one of them feel left out. So either try to please them both at the same time – which will probably result in failing to find either clit – or switch from one to other every two minutes or so. If possible, use your spare hand to at least stroke the one sitting on the touchline.

Compare styles
Your girlfriend will need private reassurance of how great in bed she is. Going on about how amazing the third party is will not encourage a repeat performance. The same goes for her if you have a two guy/one girl threesome.”

Add commentary
The wrong remark, however humorously meant, can break the magic. So don’t say: “Christ, somebody hasn’t hit the Imperial Leather today.”

DO…
Respect personal space
Things happen in the heat of the moment, so don’t start punching out if the bloke’s cock brushes against you during a position change. Set your personal boundaries well before the action begins. Don’t want to get within three feet of him? Make sure everyone knows.

Alert them to any recording equipment
You may want to record the moment for posterity, but any photos or filming must be strictly agreed beforehand. In today’s instant-upload internet era, all parties must feel comfortable they won’t end up on TotallyNSFW.com. So at least tape over the red light on your webcam. Or turn off that remarkably loud shutter noise on your mobile. And remember you can now go to prison for furtive filming, so ‘just don’t’.

Be careful with other couples
If you are “helping” a married/committed couple, don’t feel you can do anything sexual to her when the bloke is out of the room. Although he may be happy to watch you bone his missus, the rules change if he isn’t present. Touch her then and he may lamp you.

Be polite and make the third person welcome
Don’t treat them like they should be grateful for the opportunity.

Do be respectful that they too may be a little nervous
Play it by ear, but mentioning any nerves you have can put everyone at ease. Remember that they’re into an environment where he/she is the outsider.

Make sure he/she gets home safely afterwards
Oh – and the most important thing: have fun…

Chances are you’ll only do this once – so be sure to tick all the three-way boxes…

The Double Ice Cream
Normally, the only way to see two women sucking your penis is to hit yourself on the head with a frying pan, inducing cartoonish double vision. So be sure to live the dream for real. While one sluices the helmet end, the other can nibble at your balls… or they both pick a side and run their tongues up its entire length. The finale: they kneel in front of you with eager, open mouths, offering the world’s nicest choice of ejaculate destination. Frankly, unimprovable.

The Triangle
Essentially a 69 with one extra participant. Of course, the girls must be ‘up’ for muff-diving duties, but if they’ve consumed enough Archer’s to come this far, they’ll probably give it a whirl. Improves on the basic 69 with the view – the central ‘free area’, means you will be treated to panoramic views of the oral frenzy. Rather than an extreme close up of a cleft.

The Puppet
Perfect for the oft-forgotten ‘foreplay’ part of the evening: pleasuring both ladies digitally, like a full-sized Judy & Judy show. But not for kids. Also lends you ample time to consider the magnitude of what you’re achieving, while quietly regretting not hiding a camera, or wardrobe-housed witness.

The Eiffel Tower
A spitroast: the beloved position of sportsmen everywhere. With penises separated by the distance of a lung, the men can feel in no way ‘gay’ – leaving them to encourage each other with winks and gestures. As they climax they both lean forwards and deliver a hearty high-five. For that moment in time, they resemble in profile the famously pointy Parisian landmark.  

The Sandwich
One girl lies on her back. The other adopts the doggy-style position on top of her, facing the other way. Plug yourself into the second girl, while the one below chooses between licking your shaft as it goes in and out like the cuckoo in a Swiss clock, or tending to her pal’s lady garden. Make sure you have a huge mirror near the bed or you will miss out visually on the good things happening.

Words: Grub Smith, Chris Bell. First appeared in the FHM November 2008 issue.