Unfortunately, life’s filthiest fantasies can turn into the bedroom’s biggest embarrassments. Not any more…
For some reason, we file all things sexual away in the section of our brains labelled “incredible”, without making any of the standard “reality” judgements we do for other life experiences. That’s what makes us buy into the erotic illusions of films – dribbled cream in Bitter Moon, buttery anal sex in Last Tango In Paris, Princess Leia’s erotic slavegirl outfit in Return Of The Jedi – and later clumsily copy an actor delivering a strawberry caress, waiting for our babe to erupt in ecstasy. Naïvely, we also expect similarly mind-blowing pleasure from sex in the office, doing it in front of strangers and other mythologised diversions. Alas, they often prove disappointing! Surely there must be something to these extra-curricular activities for them to have entered erotic lore? The legend originally came about because somebody, somewhere got it right, surely? FHM recruited the experts – a counsellor, porn director, dance instructor, attorney, beauty edior and journalist – to show us how to make a fantasy come true…
THE OFFICE ROMANCE
Starts with a bit of flirting, ends with a disciplinary hearing and UIF…
The Fantasy: Everyone’s gone home, except you and the varsity intern, who says she wants you right now on your manager’s desk. Back to reality The meeting room’s glass table looks a bit fragile for her frame, enhanced as she is from varsity binge-drinking, so the wooden sideboard will have to do! The cleaner and her vacuum get closer and closer, making you as nervous as a guest in Jacob Zuma’s spareroom who just heard Umshini Wam outside in the passage… Oh, and the security guy films the CCTV action on his phone and uploads it online before you’ve even filled in an overtime form.
FHM’ll Fix It: Jeremy Crawford, an attorney at SA employment law specialists Labour24, doesn’t think office nookie’s ever a good idea, “The mere act of having office sex, or flirting, or explicit jokes with a colleague (of either sex), is not just a conventional misconduct matter, but raises potential sexual harassment issues,” he says. “Not all consensual conduct remains consensual. The mood, tone and relationship can change – as can the motive.”
“A further concern is the employer’s liability to other employees – or total strangers – when their staff engage in sexual conduct. Our highest courts have ruled that the common law must be interpreted so as to be consistent with our constitution and thus provide protection [excuse the pun] for victims of sexual conduct. So there is no such thing as a casual office fling…” Eish!
FHM’s recommendation? Do not get caught…
Chance of living the dream: 7/10
THE SEXY SHAVE
Learn to shave her like a sculptor, and not like a street-corner barber…
The Fantasy: Trimming a girl’s hotdog bun should be simple and sensual – lots of soap suds, a fresh razor, then awesome ghoenage.
Back To Reality: Every time you touch her she says it either hurts or tickles. Then, once you’ve finished, she complains about a sensation akin to a burns victim rolling around in vinegar. Which in turn sinks your chances of playing “Mr Plod hides his helmet” for a few days.
FHM’ll Fix It: Sarah-Jane Biggs, beauty editor of top-selling UK women’s magazine More, says, “Blokes like to see what they’re doing down there, plus it increases sensitivity; bare skin on bare skin is sexier.
“She should have a hot bath; the warm water softens follicles and makes hair easier to remove. Use shaving gels and a good quality razor. Shave in the direction of hair growth all over, apply more gel, then shave against the growth. To reach awkward areas, you may need to spread her legs and stretch the skin with your hand, but that’s the sexy bit.
“If you use a sensitive shaving gel, you can massage her a little inside while you’re doing it.”
Chance of living the dream: 9/10
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
Mutually beneficial symbiosis, or a minefield of complications?
The Fantasy: You find yourself a willing lady-pal, then have a carefree single life, calling her whenever your tummy-banana twitches.
Back To Reality: When she gets a boyfriend, you realise you were in love and write her a letter declaring your devotion. She replies with an SMS saying, “It was just sex, babe. Sorry. X”
FHM’ll Fix It: Christine Northam, a relationship counsellor, says, “This suits people who are focused on their careers, but how long it suits is the problem. It’s all about rules, which sounds mercenary but, is the only way to do it. “Basically, you need to state whether you can have sex with other people, how often you’ll meet, where you’ll have sex; things like that.
“Then define the friendship, as in whether you are proper friends or it’s just sex. It will go wrong if you break those boundaries. You have to agree from the start that you’ll renegotiate if the boundaries are broken or if either of you starts wanting more than just sex. It certainly won’t suit everyone. To succeed, both people need to be pretty cold-hearted and categorical about the arrangement.”
Chance of living the dream: 6/10
PRESSURE IN THE REAR
You’re finally given the key to the back door. Was it worth the wait?
The Fantasy: A delicate dab of lube and you slip into her hairless, debris-free bottom with zero mess or awkwardness. She breaks into a naughty grin and moans, “Mmmm, I never thought I’d like it so much.”
Back To Reality: A lot of grimacing, swearing and possibly a full-on punch in your face. Afterwards, her outraged mutters involve her friends being right about you and her mother’s warnings. She groans for two days when she sits down, glaring at you hatefully, and you’re never able to enjoy porn quite as much ever again.
FHM’ll Fix It: Carolyn Saunders, owner of “female-friendly” porn producer Orchid and adult film director, says, “There are a lot of myths about anal sex, the biggest of which is that it’s going to be really messy. But heaven knows how many girls I’ve filmed, and there has only ever been one that’s gone wrong – where the girl ate too much beforehand and basically ‘soiled’ some poor guy.
“So she shouldn’t eat anything big in the run-up and avoid things that speed up digestion, like spices and caffeine. You can also get enema kits in sex shops, so a girl can use that to prepare if she wants to. Have a drink as well, to help her relax.
“Then it’s down to loads and loads of lube – you can get flavoured stuff if you want to do rimming. Warm her up with fingers first. Some actresses will sleep with butt plugs in, but that’s only really necessary if you’re getting hammered the next day by three 15-inch porn stars.
“Tell your girl she shouldn’t worry about being damaged – as long as you use lube and make sure she’s comfortable all the way through. But that said, anal sex is perfectly safe for special moments.”
Chance of living the dream: 6/10
THE PRIVATE LAPDANCE
Spare your babe the shame of looking like a one-legged drunk…
The Fantasy: You’re in a bar and a hot girl (part harlot, part girl-next-door) struts over, rests her hands on your legs, does a mini-lap dance and says, “Shall we finish at my place?”
Back To Reality: Your big concern; can she really pull it off, or will she look like a pissed Bulls fan doing the Leeuloop? She pushes you onto the bed with a saucy look – though it may have been an involuntary twitch. She presses play on her CD player – Best Of R&B 2003 – but it keeps skipping and she has no rhythm anyway, which makes her flustered and sours the atmosphere. Awkward. She perseveres, rubbing your lap, and (was that the twitch again?) asks, “Do I make you hard?” But she doesn’t; you’ve had bigger erections watching your middle-aged neighbour hang up her flower baskets.
FHM’ll Fix It: Jo King (obviously, not her real name), ex-burlesque dancer and pole-dancing instructor says, “Most people aren’t necessarily bad, they just have no idea because they’ve never done it before. First, she needs to maintain eye contact, act with conviction and avoid giggling or pulling funny faces. And she must stay still when removing clothes – men can’t concentrate on more than one thing at a time.
“Surroundings are essential. Put on music that will motivate her; preferably tunes that mean something to both of you. As for the clothes; they must be easy to remove. A lot of people think PVC and rubber are sexy, but they’re hard to take off and make squeaky noises when you do.”
Chance of living the dream: 5/10
THE WIFE SWAP
Indulge in a little swinging without ending up sad and single…
The Fantasy: Watching your girlfriend being pleasured by two men – whom you don’t know and toward whom you feel no ill will whatsoever – as your willy twitches between the eager mouths of two of her friends, whom you’ve always quite fancied. It’s basically a spectacular mixture of wealth and hedonism, akin to Eyes Wide Shut, but with no loony Tom Cruise popping in to ruin the vibe.
Back To Reality: Sitting flaccid on a soiled beige couch in a cluster-home in Kempton, you sob, “Stop, please stop,” but quietly, so you don’t disturb your girlfriend who’s lying face down on the floor screaming, “This is the best shag of my life!”
FHM’ll Fix It: Steve Beale, a journalist who has investigated the swinging scene, says, “It’s startling seeing all these everyday girls going at it in suspenders, but the experience is also extremely liberating and separates you from normal hang-ups and conditioning.” The better places these days screen members for suitability.
“Watching your girlfriend give someone a blowjob isn’t as weird as you think, but it helps if that guy’s own girlfriend is licking your balls at the same time. You do sometimes get jealous and it’s, um, interesting when your girlfriend goes mental over a penis that’s bigger than yours. So the most important thing to remember is if you’re not happy, say something.
“Nobody wants to ruin your mental wellbeing – they’re all human beings. And you should do it with someone you have an emotional attachment with, or it would be lonely – you’re there to indulge as a couple.
“Finally, rejection is probably more of an issue for your babe than for you, as girls are often the pro-active ones and they generally fear the rejection of another girl not being interested in lesbianism.”
Chance of living the dream: 4/10
First published in the FHM June 2008 issue