First base, second base, third base... It’s not all about home runs! There are a host of sexual activities every bit as much fun as full-on penetration. FHM’s sex guru Michelle shares the joys of sex play…

The problem with a word like “foreplay” is that it implies all the good things it represents are just a prelude. It says all that delicious kissing, stroking, licking and sucking are just the introduction and that it’s the thrusting, penetrating boudestamp that constitutes the main event.

But those activities are just as much fun, and sometimes even better than, the grunting, sweaty, rogering part of sex. That’s why I prefer to call these sweet loving techniques “sex play”. You can have the most awesome sex ever, without any penetration! 

Once you’ve “done it”, and know what it’s like to make the beast with two backs with a willing young lady, you’ll still need to broaden your sexual repertoire. Because, believe it or not, women aren’t particularly impressed by a one-trick pony whose only sexual technique involves climbing aboard and pounding away for a few minutes. The hallmark of a good lover is variety, stamina and a good knowledge of his lady’s anatomy.

And if, for some reason, you’re not willing or ready to “go all the way”, then sex play is a brilliant alternative to the in-out monotony of “formal” shagging. So listen up, guys. It’s time for you to stop fixating on getting your ball in the net and spend some time perfecting your skills at the beautiful game – sex play!

MOOD

Sex play can be touchy-feely, it can be silly, it could be hours of stroking or a few minutes of nibbling. The only rule is that there’ll be no sinking of the putt. Otherwise you can do whatever you’re in the mood for. You should be able to judge what kind of game you’ll be playing as soon as she walks through the door.

She’s come home from an excellent day at work or a great workout 
Your girl’s going to be on a high of adrenalin and endorphins – she feels great about herself, her heart rate is up and the hormones have heightened her pain threshold. This is your chance to go for the bottom-squeezing, nipple-nipping, tongue-lashing kind of sex play: lots of fun with a touch of the rough.

She’s come home from a beautiful, pampering night out 
Your lady is feeling romantic. Your sex play should be tender and intense. Look deep into her eyes and touch her gently but firmly. In this warm mood, she’s going to feel more connected to you and possibly more willing to try some more exotic play – lick melted chocolate or champagne off her skin, or go for some bodice-ripping light bondage with a silk scarf. You might even be able to organise that 69 that you’ve been hoping for...

She’s heard some bad news 
Your girl is feeling sad. She wants hugs and hair-stroking. She wants you to kiss away her tears. Hold her close and touch her very lightly. Proceed slowly, but do proceed: orgasms can be comforting for girls too.

“Auntie Rose is visiting” or she has a headache
Be sympathetic: prepare a hot water bottle and give her a soothing massage (try sweet marjoram or lavender aromatherapy oils to help ease the pain) if she wants one. You’re not likely to get much action yourself, if she’s sore and grumpy, but a lot of women find that orgasms can help relieve pain. Nothing brings out the spirit of giving in a woman like knowing their man is a generous lover. So do her a favour. If you take the time to ease her pain with some gentle loving, she won’t forget. Think of it as a sexual-favours balance sheet. Administering some selfless morning pampering could mean oral pleasure for you later.

KISSING

If you think spending hours just kissing is something you left behind when you were 15 and got to third base, start rethinking. The mouth is one of the most sensitive areas in the body and it’s worth spending some time rediscovering its pleasures. Start off with delicate, explorative kisses. Part your lips and start getting your mouths (not faces!) wet, then throw in a few nibbles on her earlobe or soft kisses on her neck.

Try to alternate playful teasing with serious tongue action and build your way up to very deep, sustained kissing. Run your fingers firmly over her scalp and through her hair. If you’re feeling horny, let out a deep, throaty moan that will vibrate over her moist lips.

If your kissing gambit is working, her breath will quicken and she’ll return your kisses with equal urgency. If she isn’t arching her back and whimpering, slow down and start from the beginning again.

TOUCHING

Laying hands on your lady doesn’t mean squeezing her like a pap rugby ball. Once you have her excited with some kissing, run the flat palms of your dry hands all over her body, just brushing against the light hairs on her skin. As she becomes more aroused, bring your hands slowly closer. Her skin can become so sensitised that she will be able to feel your callouses as though they were a nail file. You can also trail just your fingertips across her skin, although if she is ticklish, she may find this unbearable. Take your time.

Every guy should know at least three unusual moves that drive his lady wild. This is the perfect time to find your lover’s hot spots. Stroke the crook of her neck, tickle the inside of her elbows and the backs of her knees. Gently scratch her scalp or brush her hair, run the tips of your fingers along the crease where her buttocks meet her thighs or where her breast swells into her armpit, rub your flat palm in the small of her back and edge your fingers over her coccyx. Try pressing your thumb over the arch of her foot and between her toes. Other than the obvious areas – her clitoris, nipples and bottom – there are lots of other erogenous zones (areas that can be erotically stimulated) located all over her body.

Being able to find these erogenous zones and playing them just right is the difference between horny boys and consummate lovers.

Soon she’ll be twitching and gasping in response to your gentle touch. She’s going to want things to get more intense. Touch her face and look into her eyes – the face and head are very intimate areas, and paying attention to these will heighten emotional intensity. You can heighten physical intensity by either focusing exclusively on her most sensitive area, or by firming up your touch. Massage her neck, back and buttocks. When massaging, don’t pinch the skin or try out that chopping action you’ve seen in the movies. Put a few drops of oil on your palms, rub your hands briskly together and then use the balls of your fingers and hands to steadily and firmly knead her yielding ladyflesh.

You should spend at least 20 minutes just touching her in her favourite places, before you move on to your favourite place. When masturbating her, pay attention to how she likes her clitoris touched. Some women like direct pressure on their clitoris, while others may like you to stroke around it. It’s a good rule of thumb, however, to approach the clitoris from the top (the pubic bone) down, rubbing her clitoral hood over her clitoris, instead of touching her exposed clitoral glans. If she’s still quite dry when you first touch her, gently part her inner lips and take some of the hidden juices inside up to her clitoris – the lubrication will make it more sensitive. When she starts moaning rhythmically or tipping her pelvis up, keep your rubbing consistent and maintain your rhythm so that she will reach orgasm.

Another fun way to orgasm through touch is to do what’s commonly called “dry humping” – rubbing your genitals up against each other. Don’t just hump her, make it erotic by paying attention to what she needs – touch her with your hands while you rub your erection against her, or allow her to mount your hipbone and enjoy the sensation of her bringing herself to a climax against your body!

LICKING

Use your tongue to stimulate her earlobes, flick her nipples and tantalise the other erogenous zones you’ve discovered all over her body. Don’t slobber – you’re not a pooch whose owner’s just got home! Use your tongue dextrously, like a moistened finger, and alternate with flat strokes of your tongue. You can get a bit cheeky with your mouth – if you’re sucking her nipple, gently rub your teeth against it. See how she reacts. Her responses are your guide here. Don’t let her feel like you’re running through some mental checklist. If you can tell something is irritating her, stop doing it. If she likes it, keep at it! 

All this is really a build-up to the main course of sex play: eating her out. When she’s quivering with anticipation under your expert handling, slowly start working your way south. Lick the inside of her thighs, then gradually make your way up. Lick and suck her outer lips. Run the tip of your tongue along the edges of her inner lips. Flick your stiffened tongue from side to side just above and just below the head of the clitoris. Use your flat tongue to lick all the way up from the perineum to the clitoris. Remember that the clitoris is the focus of cunnilingus. Suck it like you sucked her nipples; swirl your tongue around it, changing direction from time to time. Lap at it like a cat with a bowl of cream. Moan and growl while you’re down there – the vibrations of your voice will be a further turn-on.

Getting her to reciprocate

So, like a racketeer doing a shady deal with a fresh-faced cricket captain, you’ve found that when she comes in to bat, your girl isn’t keeping her end of the bargain. How can you encourage her to return your favours? 

Trim your pubic hair I don’t think most of us meisies are quite ready for shaved balls yet, but tastefully snipped hair keeps things hygienic without making you look like a pin-up boy from the gay bar.

Wear 100 per cent cotton undies They keep your willy free of pong, and your crotch free of rash.

Use baby wipes to quickly freshen up After a long day down the inside of your jeans, Mr Johnson can get a bit ripe...
 
Get some flavoured lubricant This will allow her to alternate her blowjob with a handjob if she wants a bit of a break, and will make your pork sword taste of strawberry lip gloss.

Don’t use your hands to guide her, communicate verbally This will allow her to feel more in control.
 

Tell her when you’re about to come Whether she spits, swallows or just gets out the way, give her a chance to decide...

First Published in the FHM August 2005 issue.