Wanking. It’s every man’s birthright. As is death. Death by wanking, though, is to be avoided. Be warned…
While a bit of creativity can do wonders to keep you faithful to Mrs Palmer, there are plenty of cases where an overly fertile imagination can literally lead to heavenly bliss. Autoerotic stimulation and self-asphyxiation (asphyxiophilia) account for thousands of deaths worldwide, mainly among 12 to 25-year-old guys who end up choking more than just their chicken…
Musical knob polisher
2 September 1791: The first recorded death due to strangulation during masturbation. Double-bassist Franz Kotzwara was found dead keeling down attached to a doorknob at 5 Vine Street, London, pink oboe in hand…
Magic carpet ride
When a man didn’t pitch up for work, his flat was searched. His body was found wrapped in 14 blankets! After removing two pairs of hotpants, a pair of long johns and a vest, his willy was discovered (with accompanying baby gravy) in a plastic bag. The victim rolled himself up in several blankets and taped them together, but they ended up constricting his diaphragm and killing him.
A nosy neighbour, concerned about hearing the vacuum cleaner next door running continuously, went over to see what was going on. She found her neighbour lying over the dining-room table. He had expired while ghoening the vacuum! His legs and buttocks were wrapped in tights and he had a table leg up his jacksy! The excitement was too much and provoked a heart attack…
One morning, a security guard walked through a warehouse in New Orleans, looking to relieve the night-shift guard. He stumbled on a 34-year-old man, wrapped in clear plastic from head to toe, with a snorkel protruding from the top. The man was completely naked, with semen on his thigh and right hand. In his left was a knife, which he had vainly used to free himself after the snorkel slipped out.
Japanese beer goggles
After a serious session on the dop, one unfortunate Tokyo man found his vacuum cleaner lank attractive. He inserted his member into the hose and turned the machine on, sucking his pecker into the belt, rug-beater and brushes. After losing a huge amount of blood and requiring about 200 really delicate stitches, full function was restored — though, as the surgeon put it, “the structure was not a thing of beauty”.
Not a bright sparky
In his research on autoerotic stimulation in the Fifties, Dr Putzmann described the death of a 15-year-old apprentice electrician utilising a complicated installation that con-nected the electrical mains to a teaspoon in his anus and an aluminium cord around the penis via a small lamp in his mouth. Ingenious, in a stupid kind of way…
The love bug
A guy drove his VW Beetle to a secluded clearing, stripped and attached a harness around his torso and to the car’s rear bumper by another chain. He then tied his belt to the steering wheel and strapped it down so that it was turned anti-clockwise. He started the engine and let the car pull him round in circles while he pulled himself giddy. But when he tried to turn it off, a serious error occurred — the chain began to wind around the left rear axle. He was squeezed to death against the car!
Pervy farmer palmer
A farmer was discovered naked in his barn with the bucket of a tractor on his back. A pipe with a chain attached to it was taped to his ankles, keeping his legs spread. The pipe was attached to the bucket by the chain so he could be suspended. Ropes led to the tractor’s controls. He had died accidentally after pinning himself to the ground after being suspended.
A cut below the rest
A guy’s mom found him on the couch in urine-soaked pants. When examined at the local hospital, the doctors found his gangrenous scrotum swollen to the size of a melon, and urine oozing out of the rotten tissue at the base of his knob. An X-ray showed a 10,5cm metal cylinder lodged there, requiring immediate amputation of the penis and scrotum!
In London, in 1994, a Conservative MP’s secretary was called and alerted to the possible disappearance of her employer after he failed to turn up for an appointment. On entering his home, she found him dead, wearing nothing but stockings and suspenders and a black bin bag on his head. Forensic tests showed that he died from asphyxiation from an electrical cord tied around his neck!
First published in the FHM June 2007 issue.
Words: Chris Bartlett
Illustrations: Jason Bronkhorst