Complete user's guide? Hardly... We'd need two volumes just to explore that whole cats-as-surrogate-babies thing properly. But a quick, saucy investigation into the stuff that really gets her going? You got it!

Brain
 - According to researchers at the Indiana University School of Medicine, when men listen, they only use the left half of their brain (right half: busy remembering that Paris Hilton fanny flash that made the tabloids). Women catalogue activity on both sides, thus proving that their freakish brains are capable of listening to two conversations at once.

 -During orgasm, the brain releases sex hormones into the bloodstream. The brilliantly named Beverly Whipple, PhD, vice president of the World Association For Sexology, says that, “While about 85 to 90 per cent of women are capable of having an orgasm, only about one third have had one during intercourse.”

 -Neuro-boffins Raquel E and Ruben C Gur of the University of Pennsylvania’s Brain Lab recently discovered that a bigger head doesn’t necessarily mean a more intelligent brain. Your lady’s grey matter may be smaller than yours, but it is able to process at a greater capacity, thus balancing out the difference. Allegedly.

 -Sex-education DVD The Ultimate Sex Guide promotes physical stimulation of the brain for female sexual arousal. Apparently, a massage of the scalp can release horny-making endorphins; “She may not even think you are trying to get her into the mood until she suddenly feels too horny to stop herself.”

 -Twenty-year-old student Katy Price (no, not Jordan, silly) tells FHM, “Occasionally a guy comes along who penetrates your brain, someone who thinks the same way you do. They’re the ones you have really dirty thoughts about.”

Eyes
 -David DeAngelo, author of Double Your Dating, says, “Men’s attraction mechanisms are triggered by different things to women’s. For women, things usually begin with a small spark. Eye contact for just a little too long, or a funny comment, a teasing remark.”

 -According to Dr Albert Mehrabian, an expert in spatial psychology, where you are in a room affects your ability to attract honeys. Unsurprisingly, bang in the middle makes you a prime target. Guess what? To truly catch people’s eye, try to “stand up and move around a little”. Gold dust.

 - Colour consultant Leatrice Eiseman, director of the Pantone Colour Institute, says women are most attracted to the colour blue. Eiseman says that guys who often wear blue are “faithful, constant and always there”. Or cops.

 -Prolonged eye contact is a crucial sign she likes you. If it happens once or twice and it’s brief, let it lie. Flirt coach Peta Heskell says, “Eye contact is a vital communication opener, but eye contact with a smile is even more powerful.”

 -Kizzy Jacobs, 24, a stylist, says, “When I get the right kind of eye contact from a guy I feel a twinge between my legs. I read about the female erection somewhere and I totally understood what it’s about. When a hot guy gives me an intense look it’s like… yeah!”

Breasts
 - Oxytocin is the hormone that makes her feel all fired up and feisty. It’s released during sexual orgasm in both men and women, but it can also be released by tweaking her nips.

 -The Topfreedom Movement is a campaign by Canadian and American women demanding the right to go topless in public. All women should be encouraged to join.

 -Apparently if you’re a lady, small boobs are better than biggies. Sex specialists at mens-network.com say, “The longer you stretch nerve fibre the less the amount of sensation that is passed along it.” So women with little breasts have more sensation than women with big breasts.”

 -“Men don’t seem to realise they need to be gentle when it comes to the breast area,” says FHM reader Danielle Davies, 21, a swimming instructor. “If they’re too full-on it just ends up hurting. I like a guy to be subtle and really tease me. Boobs are precious. They shouldn’t be treated like dicks.”

 -Two million women in the US have breast implants – but you shouldn’t let your flat-chested lady reach for the scalpel too soon. Says Dr Alexander Swistel, director of New York’s Weill Cornell Breast Centre, “Breasts don’t reach their full size until a woman’s in her early Twenties.”

Hands
 - Girls are susceptible to starsigns, palmistry, etc. Pretend you have “the gift” by reading her life line, heart line, fate line and head line. According to Ann Fiery in The Book Of Divination, if she’s right-handed, her left hand should indicate her personality traits, her right should indicate individuality and fulfilment of potential. Which is all you need to know – make the rest up.

 -Karma Yoga says, “Many women make ‘suck’ games a part of lovemaking. Sucking fingers drives most people wild in minutes. Kiss the hand tenderly, massaging the palm with a little oil.”

 - “Any girl who says she never plays with herself is lying,” says staff nurse Alisha Emson, 26. “A good friend of mine tells me that she does it up to six times a day. She even does it in the toilets at work sometimes.”

 -Clitical.com calculates that with three billion women on the planet, 60 per cent of whom masturbate roughly twice a week for approximately four minutes per session, there are 8 500 female, self-made orgasms happening each second!

 -Sex therapist Manfred F De Martino reckons the more she shags, the more she plays with herself. He also points out, “The masturbatory techniques utilised by females are much more varied than those employed by males. They include the use of the hand or fingers, vibrators, all sorts of elongated objects, penis substitutes, running water, and fruits and vegetables.”

Lady Bit
 -Most of a woman’s clitoris is hidden inside her body. Australian urologist Helen O'Connell found that the clitoris is attached to an inner mound of erectile tissue. The tissue has two legs (crura); there are also two clitoral bulbs made up of erectile tissue that run down the area just outside the vagina.

 -Oxytocin – the hormone that gets her horny – is also responsible for post-coital drowsiness. But studies show that while most men can fall asleep between two and five minutes after orgasm, women lie there bored, frustrated, annoyed and deafened by snores for a good 20 to 30.

 -Stress her out and she won’t come. A report by the American Medical Association revealed that stress can lead to anorgasmia (failure to achieve orgasm). However, 20 minutes of penetrative sex can release the mojo-giving hormone dopamine, which activates a state of relaxation that can last for two hours.

 -Female ejaculation does exist and all women are capable of it, according to psychotherapist Lisa S Lawless, who says, “The two types of female sexual response fluids are clinically termed as urethral and vaginal.” Vaginal fluid is her body’s way of self-cleaning, while urethral fluid (which comes from the Skenes gland near the G-spot) is the real deal.

 -Trainee physiotherapist Deborah Dixon, 26, says, “I only ever come when a guy uses a couple of fingers before going down on me. With penetrative sex it never happens and I know lots of my friends are the same.”

Bum
 - Ladies love a butt massage. Anne Semans, in her Women’s Guide To Sex On The Web, says, “Place a hand on each butt cheek and move them in opposite directions. Then squat over her butt and massage her inner thighs, pulling up and out on the butt cheeks.”

 -“The thought of anal used to gross me out,” says med student Hannah Simm, 24, “but now I love it. He’s got to use plenty of lube, though, and he can’t be too big.”

 - In a study of the students at a university in Puerto Rico on analsexyes.com revealed that of those students surveyed, 32 per cent of females reported practising backdoor love.

 -Colonic irrigation expert Jillie Collings reckons there’s nothing like flushing out the bowels for increasing beauty. Apparently, “Mood is also very affected by the bowel.”

Legs
 - Ladies are insecure about their pins, so a well-placed compliment could work wonders – and it’s far less threatening than, “Nice ass.” Says Nicola Wheatley, 21, a personal assistant, “Once I walked into work in a skirt and this guy said, ‘Wow, great legs.’ I don’t think much of my legs, so compliments are great.”

 -MassageFree.com recommends a circulation massage to the front of her legs. “Use these strokes to excite your partner during foreplay. The stroke involves squeezing the muscle tissue to push blood up the legs. If you’re giving a sensual massage, this stroke can be used to flow blood to the genitals.”

 -A woman’s legs are an important yet underrated erogenous zone, say the experts at improvingsex.com. “The thin, soft skin behind her knees loves to be gently stroked and raked with fingernails because the nerves are so close to the surface. Just above the anklebone is a sensitive area to caress and massage.”

 -Carmen Sutra likes a bit of thigh action. “Don't just use her thighs as an expressway to her genitals,” she says. “Spend time caressing the inside of her legs and tease her by stopping just short of the mark. The thighs are one of your best choices for massage oils or lotions.”

 -At the tender age of 17, Britain’s Sam Stacey was the lady with the world’s longest legs. Measuring in at a whopping 126,4cm, adjudicators at the Guinness Book Of Records report that her pins were, “The same height from hip to heel as an average 10-year-old!”

Feet
 -If a woman sits cross-legged, dangling a shoe half off one foot, it’s a sexual sign. It’s what’s known as “phallic mimicry” and, according to the Collins Book Of Body Language, that foot is quietly “making tiny thrusting movements with the dangling shoe”.

 -Trained masseuse Naomi Alder, 28, says, “A foot massage can be incredibly sexy. It goes back to the days when slaves would rub the feet of their masters. It’s essentially a dominant/submissive thing.”

 -According to Yank training programme, The Joy Of Foot Resexology, “New research has found pressure points in the feet that stimulate the sex organs so effectively that blindfolded test subjects could not tell the difference between being touched on the genitals or being touched on the pressure point!” Hmm…

 -Guru of bodily love, Dr Alex Comfort, says, “Tickling the feet excites some people out of their minds… firm pressure on the sole at the instep, however administered, is erogenic to most people.” He reckons some girls “can get a full orgasm from a foot, finger or an earlobe”.

First published in the FHM September 2005 issue.
Words: Rozzie Joyce