The only commitment you’re ready for is your pre-order of Gran Turismo 4, but you’re dying for some real action, like a one-night stand! Here are some tips on how to get one – by a lady who’s had a whole lot!

It’s been one hard week, literally. You’re frustrated, horny and your right forearm is as big as a Russian weightlifter’s. You’re in the mood for an uncomplicated shag, without all that polite smiling and nodding as the babe you’ve just bought a drink blabs about her (yawn) thrilling administrative job – while you’re wondering if she’s wearing panties under that tight skirt. You want an obliging vixen who’ll flit off in morning with no expectations of seeing you again. No mess, no fuss, no earrings left on the bedside table and no calls the next day about, “Did I maybe leave my jersey on your back seat?”

But where to find this generous soul? Someone not quite as chain-smoking as your mom’s recently divorced hairdresser or as desperate as your ugly neighbour? Suddenly the adult pages in the classifieds are looking a bit less seedy...

Admittedly, scoring a one-night stand is a complex matter, but take heart, men! Out there are lonesome ladies just as frustrated as you are – who’re facing bankruptcy due to serious expenditure in the battery-purchasing department. Now take notes as FHM’s lady expert on the art of pulling educates you on exactly which gal to approach the next time you feel the urge to sow your wild seed in a foreign garden.

Where To Go
Issue number one for one-night stand seekers: location, location, location! Bok Street in Hillbrow is not the place to go, unless you’re looking to wake up minus a kidney and in danger of losing your member to a gangrene infection.

Generally, the best place to score is a pub where they offer a limited menu, a huge dancefloor and plenty of exotic drinks (tip: cocktails are the mating call of sassy, single ladies worldwide). Avoid restaurants if you’re on a budget; wining and dining a potential bedmate can become a costly business – especially as girls out for a bit of fun rarely need to be coaxed by a five-course meal. A dancefloor with a vibey bar bordering it provides the perfect spot to lean nonchalantly against the counter and scout the area. Clubs are okay-ish – just pick one where the music isn’t so loud you have to resort to charades. Universally, the hand signs for “Would you like to shag?” are crude and not a good way to come across as the charming oke you’re trying to be.

Generally, the pretentious establishments where you have to fork out R100 at the door are packed with the kind of babes who’ll peer at you through their D&Gs looking bored. The bigger dance clubs are friendlier, but the chances are good that the rave bunny you’re ogling is either coked-up or tripping off her mielie, and has an overprotective juicer boyfriend looking for a human punchbag. The business side of his fist is not a good start to getting an uncomplicated shag, and you’re not going to get stitched up by a hot nurse in a white latex uniform. That only happens in porn flicks.

What To Look For
You’ve sussed out your hunting ground – now you’re clutching your Heineken and trying to look interesting. Golden rule: the one-night standers are not necessarily the girls wearing the most minuscule items of clothing. If you’ve been using this as a yardstick in the past – well damn, no wonder you’re short of some lady-loving!

Pay close attention to the ladies, particularly the ones who are partying with a large, mixed crowd of friends. The boys will be discussing the upcoming Super 12, and the girls will all be doing what they do best – skinnering! Watch this table of gossiping Gertrudes carefully, particularly as they scan the parade of “rivals” meandering past their table to go powder their noses. No-one knows women like other women. Like meerkats, heads down and shushed whispering, they’ll all suddenly look up as one and strain to catch a glimpse of the offending girl before ducking back down and adding in another two cents. Why? Because they know. “Oh yeah, she’s one of those,” you can almost hear them hiss. They’re not threatened by the bimbo in the fanny-pelmet at the bar. These women feel threatened by this (probably rather respectable-looking) babe encroaching on their territory.

How To Approach Her
“I’m sure not Fred Flintstone but I’ll make your bed rock, baby!” Slap! Pick-up lines don’t come cheesier than that, but in case you have one just waiting to be blurted out as you blush profusely – play it cool, guy. Try not to look too eager. As you squeeze into the space next to the luscious lass at the bar, smile across at her and casually say, “Hi!” Look away and order yourself a drink. As your drink arrives, ask her, almost as an afterthought, if you can get anything for her. Tip: smashing your empty beer can on your forehead is not likely to score brownie points. Neither is “accidentally” grabbing her bum. She may be up for a no-strings bonk, but no woman likes to be treated like a slapper.

If she protests, even just a little, about you buying her a drink, or she insists on buying her own – back away! This is a sure indication that she is willing, but has been reading girlie magazines with articles like “How to make sure he calls the next day”, which include tips like “earn his respect, buy your own booze” and such boyfriend-snaring talk. However, if she accepts your kind offer, and then picks up what will probably be a wildly expensive cocktail in a manner that suggests she’d rather handle nuclear waste than touch your arm – this girl is a pro. Just like you’re there to pick up a woman for the evening, she’s looking for an idiot to buy her drinks all night. Move on buddy, not even after 12 rounds of shooters will she succumb. She’ll just magically disappear after promising to be “right back”.

But, should she take her drink from your hand slowly, touching your fingers or casually brushing your arm, you’re in there, lucky guy! She’ll lean forward to give you a good goggle at her cleavage and thank you in a coy, husky voice. When she makes no move to return to her friends, you know she wants you. A girl’s friends are an excellent barometer of her feelings – if they don’t attempt to “rescue” her from your predatory tactics, you know she’s up for a bit of fun.

The Mating Dance
You’re a few drinks down and flirting like it’s mating season at the Kruger Park. Hopefully, this is where she’ll lean in and drop some unmistakable, sex-loaded comment. Like, what’s a hot guy like you doing here at the bar all by yourself! Next, the vixen is bound to drop something, or reach down for her bag, flashing a good bit of bum. While she’s down there, be sure she’ll look up at you, just to check that you’re not missing the show!

Dancing is also a good indicator of what this girl has in store for you. Watch her shake that ass – if it looks like she has some experience in the dirty dancing department, you’re in for a wild ride! And if it looks like she’s on the verge of pulling a fold-out stripper’s pole from her handbag, hang on to your socks, dude! A give-away move is the old “sexy slide down your side” dance. She’ll rub herself up and down against you, smiling and batting her eyelids innocently. That’s when you know Mrs Palmer and her five daughters are in for a well-deserved night off.

And here’s the clincher: with a sweet “butter won’t melt in my mouth” expression, the young lovely will fan her glowing cheeks and exclaim, “I could really do with some fresh air.” Read: “Time to ditch the crowd and start our own party, buddy!” Bingo! Find a secluded spot, kiss her wildly, cop a feel, grab your car keys with shaky hands and... Slow down! Think of the Queen naked, think of the life cycle of the garden snail, think of the History Channel! Play it cool, pretend that you’re having second thoughts – you’re not that interested, really. This will make her pull out all the stops.

She’ll make it her mission to get you, you handsome oke, you, to go home with her – after all, it’s her idea, right? Imagine when her heady triumph translates into sexual frenzy as she drags you through the front door. No woman likes to feel taken advantage of; be a gentleman and let the damsel take advantage of you!

Your Place Or Hers?
Generally, it’s best if you go to hers – it’ll have clean sheets, for starters. Nothing slows down a night of passion like standing on a slice of week-old pizza, or scrabbling to remove Squirtgirls 4 from the coffee table. Also, at her place you have the freedom to leave, give or take SA’s penchant for electric fencing and remote-controlled gates. Tip: make doubly sure no axe-wielding husbands or unbalanced boyfriends are likely to disturb your horizontal rumba. If she still stays with her parents, then head over to your place rather than face being chased across the lawn by Daddy and his five iron. To eliminate the future stalker potential, take the long, long “scenic route” to your pad, just to be safe!

Making The Break
Yeah, we’ve all heard that old chestnut about the guy who chews through his own shoulder and makes a break for it, rather than wake his shag and ask her to get off his arm. Whether it was a quick 43 seconds or a marathon four-hour session, the dilemma remains – you’ve shagged, what now?

Wait for her to slip into a postorgasmic snooze and sneak out? You’ll probably have to wake the sleeping beauty to get her to open the electric gates anyway. The best bet is to stay till morning, get dressed and wake her gently, saying you have an early appointment. The fact is, women aren’t that keen to kiss and cuddle with a perfect stranger who smells of Spiced Gold and Creme Soda the next morning either. So she’ll probably be more than willing to send you on your way. It’s traditional to exchange numbers and promise to call, although actually calling is another matter altogether.

It’s a bit more difficult parting ways if you went back to your pozzie. If she doesn’t want to leave, watch Super Saturday, take a dump in the jazz, or tell her you have an appointment. If worst comes to worst, you may have to take her for breakfast and then bid farewell.

Last tip: after your successful one-nighter, avoid cruising the same venue for a while. She might be there! And you promised to call, remember!

Words: Lady Marmalade
First published in the FHM March 2005 issue.